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Of twins and swords by ~Sexymcsexerson:iconSexymcsexerson:



Of Ring’s and Sword’s
By Someone
A Slight explanation to parts of the book:
Throughout the book I will change from first person to third person. The chapters will change in point of view. This may seem confusing but while writing this book I believed that it made the story sound better. So do not be alarmed, and just go with the flow.
The year is 2156. The world has gone into a dark age. The fall of man was the very creation that was created to help protect him; firearms. All guns, ballistics, and major electronic devices have been destroyed. The public now has limited machinery at their disposal.  The world has changed.  Governments have fallen, and years of anarchy have plagued the world.  There is no longer a United Nations. The world is ruled by a king. King Remben.  The remaining powers fell under the influence of a new leader, cold and emotionless, unfeeling to the thoughts or ideals of the people.
CHAPTER 1
The snow is falling very lightly, covering the earth in a cool white blanket.  The pale light filtering through the clouds seems to catch every flake as it quietly settled on the branches of the pines around on the mountains.  On the top of Molic Hill sits a lone house, frost covering the roof. A lone man trudges through the snow, slowly making his way towards the house. The house was a new two story house. Not even 5 years old. The living room connected to the kitchen on the bottom floor. With 3 bedrooms on the upper level, each with their own bathroom.  
His broad shoulders filled the coat he wore, and could scarcely make it through the wooden door. As he entered the door he brushed the snow from his coat and placed it on a rack near the door next to the stairs. His eyes showed the experience of a man who has seen and lived through many things. They showed the weariness in his mind and body. He carried an extremely large sword over his shoulder, but when he carried it, it looked as light as a feather. When the sword was put down, it was so massive it reached his chin.
The man stroked his black hair down to his collar, while the white streak glimmered in the light and as he did he remember it was his 27th birthday.
The floorboards creaked under his size as he walked to the edge of the couch and placed an opal ring on the coffee table in front of the couch. With a plop he landed himself onto the couch.
He was just about to fall asleep when he heard a ring from the phone. He despised talking to people on the phone. But he picked up regardless.
When he picked up the phone he gave a heavy sigh. “Yeah?”
“Happy birthday Mr. Lavish.” Said the man on the phone.
A normal man would be surprised. But John never got surprised
“Hello Shane.” he answered keeping his voice casual.
“Oh come on John. I thought you would be happier. How old are you, 27? I’ve been looking for you for a long time. You’re a hard man to find even for your size. Where’ you been?
“Around. Now cut the crap, what’d you want?”
“Meet me in the City Destroyed in a Day, at the usual place. In 24 hours. It’s safe. We can catch up.”
There was a long pause before John answered.
“Make it 48 and I’ll be there.
The line was silent.
“Fine.” he answered
“Good. I’ll meet you there.
When John hung up, he looked out the window. He noticed lightning and the snow had turned to rain.
He picked up the phone and dialed a few numbers.
“Helen?” he said “This is John. He’s back. Gather the Spartan’s and tell them to come here in one hour. And if they ask why, tell them, its time they heard my story.”
He hung up the phone and dialed a new set of numbers. The phone rung twice before a cold, emotionless voice answered the phone.
“Who are you and how did you get this number.”
“Shino its John.”
“What the hell do you want?” asked Shino
“I need some help?”
“No”
“Shino don’t do this to me. Remember what I did for you.”
There was a long pause over the phone
“Fine then. Where and when do you need me to be?”
“My house, in one hour.”
“Yes that’s fine, Ill see you then” when he hung up the phone John gave a heavy sigh of relief, he started up a new pot of coffee knowing he was going to need it.

One hour later, John answered the door to a light tapping.
There were 3 people standing outside. The first was a beautiful woman with long hair as red as rubies, her waist looking like a twig compared to John’s. Her body white beneath her tanned skin seemed to only compliment her jutting breasts and narrow waist; her green eyes went well with her blue jean mini skirt, as they stared caring and lovingly at John and a white blouse. On her side is a thorn whip. Her weapon is made of an ivy plant. Secret runes were written on the whip to make the whip indestructible.
The second one was a shorter, sinewy man, only a few inches below John’s sword; He wore a mask covering his nose bellow to his chin and black clothing covering his body, his black hair only adding to the darkness of his body. His bright yellow eyes seem to pierce right through your soul. He has a shuriken on his back. His weapon he crafted himself from pure diamond, so that it could not break, he sharpened the edges and covered it with a black paint. But as he used it he was soon able to throw over long distances, able to hit his opponent no matter how far away they were.
The third was a tall man, only a few inches shorter than John. His green eyes and black hair made his blue tunic seem even brighter compared to his blue jeans. His Bo staff carried on his back was as tall as John. His weapon is made out of the strongest wood in the world; lignum vitae. The wood is so dense that it sinks in water.
“Happy birthday big guy. How you been? Still 6’10?” The girl asked in a soft, smooth voice as she ran her hands around his giant arms.
“Always have been and why do you keep on asking?” said John
“In case you’ve grown. I see you’ve been workin’ out?” she asked before she held the back of his head and embraced him in a long kiss.
“I love you too.” Said John smiling
“It’s been a while John”
“I know. I’ve missed you too, Helen”
Helen walked away but not before looking back at John smiling, with a wink in her eye.
“Hey, Max how you doin. It’s been a while. Are you still a pain in the ass?”
“Most likely”  
John and Max both laughed before Max went in and sat on the couch next to Helen.
The third man went up to John and asked “Why did you bring me here? You know I can’t stand you all in the same place.”
“Oh, come on, it’ll be fun.” Answered John sarcastically. Slapping him on the back almost knocking the wind out of him.
The man glared at John and snarled. John sighed “Same old Shino” he thought to himself.
©2007-2008 ~Sexymcsexerson
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Submitted: October 4, 2007
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Author's Comments

now this is a very rough draft. and i realize that this is very bad. but please be as blunt as possible
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~The-Mitmit:iconThe-Mitmit: Oct 4, 2007, 6:30:54 PM
'Bout time someone asked for an advanced critique *cracks knuckles*

The pale light filtering through the clouds seems to catch every flake as it quietly settled on the branches of the pines around on the mountains.
Very awkward phrase there.

His broad shoulders filled the coat he wore, and could scarcely make it through the wooden door. As he entered the door he brushed the snow from his coat and placed it on a rack near the door next to the stairs.
A comma shouldn't be there.
You also use "door" a lot. You do similar things throughout this. It's nice to give the reader a breather with some pronouns. It helps it flow better.


He carried an extremely large sword over his shoulder
I think you could do better than that! 'Tis cliche.

The man stroked his black hair down to his collar, while the white streak glimmered in the light and as he did he remember it was his 27th birthday.
Is it that long or did he literally stroke it down to his collar? Also, "remembered."

But he picked up regardless.
"It" is missing.

“Good. I’ll meet you there.
You forgot quotes.

“Yes that’s fine, Ill see you then”
Typo

...her green eyes went well with her blue jean mini skirt, as they stared caring and lovingly at John and a white blouse.
Place a comma after "...at John" or it gives it a new meaning:O

Secret runes were written on the whip to make the whip indestructible.
Show, but don't tell. You shouldn't tell your reader what things are, but show them through the writing.

...sinewy man, only a few inches below John’s sword; He wore a mask
Typo.

Answered John sarcastically. Slapping him on the back almost knocking the wind out of him.
Some of your sentences could do with being combined with a comma or semicolon.

Hope you enjoyed that;)

I liked it. It was a good beginning that draws you in, as well as creating interest in the reader for the main character. I should like to see more.

Now...you must watch me and read mine!:mwahaha:

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Webcomic by =UnnamedDeviant and me.