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Of Rings and swords Chapter3-5 by ~Sexymcsexerson:iconSexymcsexerson:



CHAPTER 2
On a hill at the top of a mountain, there is a house. That is the house of Shane.
Shane is 6’3. His skinny, lean body shaking with excitement, while his blood red eyes shined in the light with anticipation.
When Shane hung up the phone after talking with John, he thought for a moment before sitting back into the soft comfort of the leather chair. He looked above the stone fireplace at his personal, perfectly crafted, light, double samurai swords as a sense of nostalgia came over him as it always does, when he looks at them. He eyed his collection of leather bound war tactics books, for some idea of what to do.
“What to do? What to do? Undoubtedly John will; so I might as well to.” he thought.
He thought on this for merely a second when he decided that it was finally right to tell them
He picked up the phone and dialed. It rang a few times before a deep raspy voice answered. “Hello?” said the tired voice
“Terrance?” asked Shane.
“Who wants to know?”
“It’s Shane. Contact The Brothers. Tell them to come to my house right away. Make sure they aren’t followed.”
“As always” said the voice.

A couple of hours later, Shane opened the door, and saw three men.
When the first man tried to get through the door his large black shoulders could barely make it through the doorway.
‘Don’t you ever change your clothes? Every time I see you it’s a brown short sleeve shirt, blue jeans and a black hooded coat.” He stared at his brown eyes for a second until he casually answered “I don’t like change” Terrance wiped a hand across his white hair to remove it from his eyes.
A massive axe, which he carries on his back, glinted in the light, showing off its keen edge. This axe he crafted himself. He spent two years, crafting and perfecting his technique until it became the axe it is today.
The second is a slender man. He is six foot two and weighs one hundred seventy five pounds. He wears a samurai robe and a cloth belt to hold it together. His name is O’Brian. O’Brian wears a samurai sword on his left hip. His sword was made with the heat from a volcano and was crafted with folded steal, it was folded over one hundred thousand times, and took over three years to make.   
The third man to walk in is an average sized man. He is white, six feet and weighs about one hundred fifty five pounds. He has red hair and brown eyes. He wears a long-sleeved black shirt, and loose black pants. He has a scar that cuts across his forehead. His name is Alexander. Around his waist is a belt carrying knives of different shapes and sizes. All of which are of the finest quality, all of which he inspected and bought himself.
They all stood in a circle and looked at Shane and he motioned for the rest of them to sit down.
When this group is together they are called “The Four”.

CHAPTER 3
Shane looked at the large coated man and nodded with authority toward the fireplace. And with one giant hand, grabbed a large piece of wood and placed it on the fire. When he sat back down in the chair, the chair creaked under the mans body and looked like it was going to break at any second.
When Shane began to speak, he spoke with a commanding voice and obtained everyone’s attention at once.
“What I’m about to tell you not many people know. Some people may now bits and pieces but not the entire thing.” He sighed
“I was found by a martial arts and magic master named Shaun on a road next to my parents. My parents were killed by a group of ninja wearing black uniforms and red bandanas. But I was not the only one there. It seems my parents were friends with another couple and they had a son. His name was John Lavish. Master Shaun took it upon himself to take us in and teach us all he knew.”
“When he took us to his home he laid out three different weapons. One was a bow and arrow, another was a spear and the last was a sword. John and I both chose the sword.”

CHAPTER 4
John said before he looked around at his friends “Shane and I both chose the sword.”
John stopped for a second and looked at Shino perplexed and said “Shino you know you can take the mask off. You’re inside.”
Shino chuckled. “You know nobody sees my face. You’re the only one who has.”
“Hey John? Can I hold your sword for a second?” asked Max with anticipation
The question intrigued John.
“Why?” he said chuckling
“I’ve never held it before.” Answered Max hoping for a yes.
John laughed amusingly “Be my guest. And good luck”
Max looked puzzled from John’s last comment but he shook it off.
While Max walked to John’s sword, John made small talk with Helen and Shino hoping to catch up.
“Do you want anything to drink?” John asked
“Tea” said Shino
“And I’ll have coffee.”
When John got to the kitchen, started the tea and got the coffee brewing, everyone was hearing an odd, frustrated grunting. They started to look around and they noticed it was Max trying to pick up John’s sword.
“Having trouble Max?” asked John sarcastically
“Not much” said Max grunting. “What the hell does this weigh?”
“Not too much” answered John
Finally Max gave up. As he did every one in the room started to chuckle. He felt a shudder of humiliation, and his cheeks turned a bright red as he sat back down in the chair defeated and embarrassed.
“How are you guy’s doin? You surviving” asked John
“I end stories” he answered
“A person was killed a couple days ago. I heard you might have been part of it?” asked John quizzically.
Shino smiled and chuckled “Rumors run swiftly on the tongues of men.”
A smile twisted on the corner of John’s mouth.
“And you Helen.”
“I’ve been doing odd jobs, trying to stay alive. Not bring a lot of attention to myself. With the king after us, and you not being around, it’s been harder.”
“Speak for yourself” said Shino with his usual confidence.
“Of course.”
“What have you been up to John?” asked Helen
“Me? I’ve been traveling the world. Trying to find answers since we split.”
“Have you found them?” she asked
“No”
The silence in the house lasted a few minutes.
“Anyway” as he shook his head “I’ll start the story again.”
“Before I go any farther I need to tell you something. You know how the king has many different people in his army, like the marine’s, navy seals, MP, ranger’s, demolition experts, his professional magic squad, Army CID?”
“Of course we have.” Answered Max “The king wanted to keep the old names and training for the military. He was too lazy to come up with a new system. Why” If I worked for the government, I am the man they ALL call when they need help. I am the best you will find. I tell you this because you have not seen me in a full hand to hand combat situation. With Shane you will see me like you have never seen me. And I don’t want you all to be surprised.”
“John” said Helen looking at him “Nothing you will do can surprise us more than you have already.”
As I told you Shane and I both chose the sword. We learned to block, to cut, to slash, and to parry. And he even taught us the properties of magic and how fragile they are.” All of a sudden Max burst out and said “What?! That’s impossible! Magic has been dead for years.”
John smiled and said, “That is true Captain Obvious but Master Shaun kept ancient scrolls showing the translations to a language that unlocks the magic. I have been sworn to never show those scrolls to anyone but my apprentice or apprentice’s.” John stopped for a second and thought. “Were was I before I was rudely interrupted?”
Helen said “You were talking about what Master Shaun taught you”
“Oh yeah. Master Shaun taught Shane and me everything we know. One day he came to us and I have never seen him so serious. He came to us and began talking about the properties of magic. He said “Boys I am going to now tell you the properties of all magic in the world. The main principle is that magic, when used, will consume energy from all the things around you. They could be people, plants or other animals. It could even be a drop of water; you can take the energy from all things. But the only way to access this power in a person is to say a succession of words. The spells power is limitless but its power depends on the knowledge, power and the magic capacity of the user. For instance if a novice was to cast a fireball it may be the size of an ant. But a master may be able to summon an energy to create a fireball the size of the moon. But a man good enough could also choose what he took the energy from.  From a single leaf, a friend, an animal, himself or the entire earth. It was the responsibility of the user to choose. I will teach you to take energy from all things. I will teach you how to control how much energy you take, and to know how much you need. At first it will take you maybe an hour to take a small sample of energy. But I will teach you to draw vast amounts of energy in a split second. But I must tell you even the best magician can loose the control of the energy being drawn. It can take the energy from anything, and could eventually kill him as well. But one main thing is whenever you conjure a spell, the spell will also sap a way a fraction of your energy. But only you can add the extra energy to make it powerful.” And that is when our full training began. When we practiced we would use wood weapons. With magic we would use clay figures to destroy and gather energy from leaves.  He once saw us fighting especially erratically. He jumped into the air, stretched out his foot and before his leg hit the ground he yelled “golem mure” and were his foot hit the ground the earth split in two and made a chasm between me and Shane. He looked at us back and forth panting and he told us to never fight with full strength without him there again without him there, or the repercussion could be terrible. When we turned 14 we finally got to choose what kind of sword we would master in. We had to pick from a single katana, a double katana, a gigantic sword, a fencing saber, or a rapier.”
“I chose the gigantic sword cause of my strength. I named it Mangetsu. But Shane chose the double Katana for speed and because he was ambidextrous. We spent seven years training and training until we were the best. But because to train we needed to use the real thing we never got the chance to spar, until one day Master Shaun had to go to the market for food, he told us specifically not to fight each other, but we didn’t listen. When we got our weapons, we met at the training ground. We conducted all the formalities such as bowing and wishing the other good luck. We thought we new how to control ourselves so that the other didn’t get hurt……but we were wrong. When we faced off, Shane was the first to charge. The problem with fighting each other for the first time was we didn’t know what to expect.” John sighed “Now every day I regret having fought him.”
“Why?” asked Max
With a shiver of vivid recollection he said “When Shane charged at me. I pulled up my sword to hit his weapon away. But when I did, my sword sliced through half of his hand.” Everyone in the room except Shino who kept his usual coolness gasped.
“His hand was still barely connected to the bone. When Master Shaun got back from the market, he saw Shane and me on the training ground, with Shane screaming and cursing as the blood spilled down his hands. We were sent to our rooms for 5 days with nothing to eat but bread and water. We never fought each other again. Shane said he forgave me, but we never were the same together. We were still friends, but it just wasn’t the same as it used to be. When Master Shaun was helping Shane up from the ground he also had a large cut on his shoulder that was dripping blood. But he said it was nothing.”
©2007-2008 ~Sexymcsexerson
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new very bad i want extremely blunt comments
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~The-Mitmit:iconThe-Mitmit: Oct 6, 2007, 7:10:38 PM
Shane is 6’3. His skinny, lean body shaking with excitement, while his blood red eyes shined in the light with anticipation.
Again, this should be one sentence.

Your tense jumps from past to present.

He stared at his brown eyes for a second until he casually answered “I don’t like change”
Specify who looked at what. You forgot a period.

A massive axe, which he carries on his back, glinted in the light, showing off its keen edge. This axe he crafted himself. He spent two years, crafting and perfecting his technique until it became the axe it is today.
I felt this paragraph wasn't very necessary in moving the story along. Again, we don't need to know the whole story behind it. If it's important, it will be shown. There are other places like this.

When describing people, you don't need to describe every single detail. Think of it as an impressionist painting. Just a few strokes of the brush and you can show what something is.

Shane looked at the large coated man and nodded with authority toward the fireplace. And with one giant hand, grabbed a large piece of wood and placed it on the fire.
Again, this could be one sentence or:
Shane looked at the large coated man and nodded with authority toward the fireplace. With one giant hand, he grabbed a large piece of wood and placed it on the fire.

This is an example of a trend I see.

My parents were killed by a group of ninja wearing black uniforms and red bandanas.
Ninjas? And "bandannas."

"...Master Shaun took it upon himself to take us in and teach us all he knew.”
“When he took us to his home he laid out three different weapons.
When dialogue goes into paragraphs, you do not use an ending quotation when it goes on to a next one.

John said before he looked around at his friends “Shane and I both chose the sword.”
There should be a period after "friends" or a comma. I've noticed this in other places.

“I’ve never held it before.” Answered Max hoping for a yes.
Again, comma and "answer" should not be capitalized.

While Max walked to John’s sword, John made small talk with Helen and Shino hoping to catch up.
Show, not tell. It'll add more to the story.

“I end stories” he answered
Who said this?

"...Why If I worked for the government,..."
Typo.

As I told you Shane and I both chose the sword...."
You forgot a beginning quote.

“You were talking about what Master Shaun taught you”
Forgot a period.

One day he came to us and I have never seen him so serious. He came to us and began talking about the properties of magic.
Overuse of "he came to us."

“Boys I am going to now tell you the properties of all magic in the world...
This was within dialogue. When that happens, the quotes within quotes are single ('blah blah';) quotes.

When we practiced we would use wood weapons.
Wooden.

...he told us to never fight with full strength without him there again without him there,...
I am confused:?

"....We had to pick from a single katana, a double katana, a gigantic sword, a fencing saber, or a rapier.”
Is this set in Japan?
__

You didn't write the write chapters in the deviation title;)

I like the story and I like the idea of this world. The characters seem like they could be really interesting. However, you describe things way too much in detail. I believe that when you write, you only use what is absolutely necessary to describe something. Also, you describe their appearance, but not their surroundings, which leaves them acting in a void. Also, you need compound setences and more pronouns. The writing doesn't flow as smoothely.

Hope I was helpfull. I'm looking forward to see what happens:D

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Brought to you by a cookie loving caffeine addict.

Webcomic by =UnnamedDeviant and me.
~The-Mitmit:iconThe-Mitmit: Oct 6, 2007, 7:34:20 PM
Holy shit:omfg:

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Brought to you by a cookie loving caffeine addict.

Webcomic by =UnnamedDeviant and me.